Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Be Kind and Look Around...My Thoughts on Robin Williams...

Within the past twenty four hours I have seen so many posts about Robin Williams' death. I have seen sadness and sympathy. I have seen breaking hearts as one of the worlds most well known comedians/actors was consumed with depression and lost the battle. I have seen cynical attitudes that are full of ugliness. But what gets me the most, are the hateful comments that are relating suicide to selfishness. I am angered by this suicide only because of how individuals are carrying on in such a negative manner. Have a heart, people!

Money may seem like the cure to many people, but guess what folks... It doesn't buy happiness, it doesn't make life perfect, and it sure as hell doesn't ease the pain someone feels when battling the evils of depression and anxiety. Unless or until you have battled depression and hit bottom, you have no right to judge. Then again, you have no right to judge anyhow. It is not up to you to place judgement on Mr. Williams or anyone for that matter. As a person that has hit rock bottom due to depression, my heart hurts for this man. I mean, it outright aches. Like many, I was fortunate enough  to find something in life that pulled me out before it was too late. I found my way back and have found more happiness. Yet, unlike so many out there, he couldn't. I have lost close friends, veterans, and even spouses/children of wounded vets to suicide. I have seen own family struggle with the aftermath that suicide leaves in the days, months and years that follow this action.

All I can think is how mental anguish and the hell that Robin Williams must have felt when he decided he couldn't do it anymore. It's heart wrenching. When the point of suicide is reached, all grasp on reality is pretty much lost because that person is so consumed with the evil thoughts and feelings that depression brings. They can't see a way out. For years, he had struggled with depression and rehab visits. This wasn't new. Yet, people want to say "How could someone so funny act in such a way?" Did you ever stop to think, maybe it was his way of masking the pain? Like many, finding laughter and humor can be a cure. If it only cures for that small moment they are in, it was one moment of happiness. For that, we should be grateful that he had it. Instead of judging this man, have a heart and think about his family and all that they are taking on right now. Think about the pain this brings them and keep them in your prayers.

Think about the happiness that Robin Williams brought to so many in their lives. Whether you have watched his moves and smiled, cried, or laughed or you have seen him in person, he has toughed your life. Think about the vets that he has helped while in combat simply by showing up and bringing some humor to their lives for a brief moment during a year tour. He possibly made them forget they were there and for that, they will always be thankful. Think about the countless children he has selflessly  helped and all the awareness/work he has done for St. Judes. When looking back, there isn't too much that was selfish, so why now? He lost the war to depression and with that, maybe we should all become more aware of those around us that are struggling. He gave more than most have given or would think about giving.

Look around you. You have no idea what those next to you are going through or what they are having to endure. You have no idea the hell that exist behind closed doors. Men, women, and children become pro's at plastering a smile across their face when they walk out their front door, masking hard times with humor, and becoming preoccupied in things outside of their home life. Be kind, you never know the battles that someone is fighting.  So, instead of judging, reach out to people. Be a friend. I've been that person with what felt like no one to turn to during some real dark days...it's not easy. It only takes one person to step up and make a difference in someones life, so what if we all stepped up? Can you imagine the differences we would all make?

My thoughts and prayers are with the Williams family and all that loved Robin. Thank you, Robin, for bringing sunshine to the lives of many on their cloudy days. Thank you for making a difference in so many lives.

You can view my post on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/brittney.biddle/posts/10152583566860907?notif_t=like


Sunday, June 8, 2014

Moving Put Me Behind

I have become one of the worst bloggers lately! I hate how I have neglected something I find so therapeutic to me, but what can I say other than life has been so incredibly busy! In March we put our house in Macon on the market, to find ourselves very surprised when just a few days later we had an offer. We had to get our heads together very quickly in order to find a house that would work for the five of us, in a great area, good schools, property for Kevin so he could hopefully adjust and so on. It was not an easy task to say the least, not that finding "the" house ever is, but when you throw in a combat veteran that can't deal with people and is always to himself, it tends to complicate the search a bit. However, we were very fortunate and found close to, the perfect house for  us! I cannot begin to express my happiness in this. More to come on that part! The buying part held some trying times, but we managed to come through with negotiations that we were all happy with. The selling part on the other hand was an absolute mess! The buyers for our Macon home were not easy to work with and really had us fired up most of the time. They were terrible when it came to submitting things in a timely manner, would disappear for a week at a time when documents needed to be signed, put us behind with closing a few times, changed their loan not once, but twice after being approved (the last time the day after our original closing date), did not bring certified funds to closing (who does this, y'all?)..instead, they brought cash and had to leave in the middle of closing to get a certified check. There are quite a few banks in the area of the attorney's office we used, hell there is even a Kroger a mile from the office that I know deals with certified checks. This should have taken them 20 minutes and instead took them over an hour and then they came back to closing with food from Wendy's that the buyer felt necessary to set out on the table and prepare then eat IN.THE.MIDDLE.OF.CLOSING!!! A baked potato!!! I could never even dream of making this crap up! We were furious at how they behaved and are so thankful that it is all in the past now! It was a total mess! The poor seller for our new house was thrown all over the place with this mess and closing dates. We felt terrible over it all, but our hands were completely tied. I could go into more, but I will spare you all the details of how chaotic it was.

Our new home has kept us busy for a month now! We closed one month ago today! That's kind of exciting to say, other than never catching a break since closing! In all of our moves, none have kept us as busy as this one. I honestly think the difference is that we never felt as though we had found our "home" until this one. With that being said, we are pretty amped up at the projects we have had, the ones that we have completed, and all that lies ahead! One day at a time. Our home is smaller square footage wise than the other one, at least in the heating/cooled area of the house. Other than that, it is larger and absolutely gorgeous! I am still in awe that it is ours. It's a three bedroom with a large bonus room, so big that it has more space than our three car garage below it. We decided to make the bonus room into two bedrooms by splitting the room with a wall. The girls are both in there, Nic has a room beside them, and I took the other bedroom as my office - LOVE IT! All of these rooms are upstairs. The downstairs consists of the master bedroom and bathroom, half bath, kitchen, dining room, living room, laundry room, and garage. For the first time ever, we have a covered patio that we are in love with! Kevin and I spend time sitting outside on our patio, enjoying our home and yard. Here soon, we will be able to spend much more time out there. The builder of this estate neighborhood lives behind us, who we have a ton of respect for. We are just getting to know him and have enjoyed chatting with him.  The pictures I am going to share of our house are ones from when we made an offer - so pay no attention to the ugly yard! It looks much better now and will look much better in the upcoming weeks. I will post more pics in the next few days once I take them. Our house sits on over 1.5 acres, just as all houses in our subdivision do, which was one of the first things that pulled us in!

Front of our home

Back of home

Other than moving and attempting to get settled, we have stayed busy with life! My business is picking up more and more and this leaves me thrilled. Thirty-One has become a huge part of my life and an absolute passion of mine for personal and professional reasons. I absolutely love what I do, the mission behind our company, the company itself, my Thirty-One sisters, helping others through what I do, what this opportunity had done for my family, and what it has done for the ladies on my team. There are not enough good words I can use to describe how blessed and thankful I am. I have stayed busy with events, parties, and more! You know how to contact me for anything pertaining to Thirty-One that you are interested in!

Caught on camera... lol

In between all of the chaos, the girls and I got away for a couple days and spent it at the beach. We needed a break from the madness around us. Looking at the photos below, I realize how much my girls have grown and am so proud of them! They are turning into gorgeous young ladies now!

Yes, that is a real alligator.... Saint Simon, GA Beach. An awesome sight!

Driftwood Beach, Jekyll Island, GA

Towards the end of May, my baby sister, Katie graduated from high school. It's hard to believe that it has now been 18 years since we welcomed her into this world. I am so proud of her and cannot wait to see what lies ahead. Kevin, the kids, and I spent the day at my dads for lunch the day of her graduation, excited to share this special day with her. Attending the graduation would have been way too much on Kevin, so he stayed at the house with the little ones for a short period while I attended her graduation. As always, we had a great time with the family!

Look for the shortest one...that's my sister!

My brothers and sister... Dustin, Josh, Katie and me - Love you guys and this pic!

Dad, Katie, Barb - awesome photo!

Me and Katie

Katie - congrats! I love you!

Dustin, Josh, Katie, Me, and Whitney (Dustin's wife)

As you can see, May was a busy, busy month - but one with many wonderful memories! 

More to come, so stay tuned!

Sunday, April 27, 2014

Missing Combat Vet from Kennesaw, GA

When someone is missing, worlds are shattered, while hoping and praying for the safe return of that loved one. Right now, a Combat Veteran, Chase Massner from Kennesaw, GA is missing. He was last seen on March 27th off of Hawkins Store Rd and Bells Ferry Rd in. Kennesaw.

Please take the time to post this information, as well as the photos below on your Facebook pages and email. Help locate Chase and reunite him with his family!

Monday, February 17, 2014

Why I have Kept Quiet...

Since we moved to Macon, I have really slacked when it comes to blogging. I have bottled things so deep within myself that I in ways, I lost myself. Yet, at the same time, I have also gained a sense of who I am as a person since we moved here. Not sure if that even adds up to many.

When we first moved, we were still adjusting to Kevin being home all the time, as well as his injuries. That alone was a lot to take in. Factor in some of my own medical issues and things become intense and full of chaos. Yet, we have found ways that work for us in the rough moments and we have managed to cope with the losses we have been faced with.

Moving back to Georgia was suppose to be a dream come true. It was suppose to answer so many prayers for us. Truth be told, it has caused more hardships and heartache. This is the first time I have publicly stated this. The past year and a half has not been the blessing we were looking forward to and has instead been a hell we never imagined. Don't misconstrue my words into thinking that we are not grateful for the opportunity we were given, because each one of us will be forever grateful and honored for this opportunity. Sadly, not every home will work for every family. We fell into that small category of it not working out. Through it all, we have kept our heads held high and even joke that "it's just a bad PCS". Some will find the humor in that, others will possibly get pissed that we even made it a joke. But, it's our way of coping with the past nineteen months. If we don't find the humor in it, we will fall apart and living here, that would have been so easy to do.

Recently, when I mentioned that we have been looking at houses, some of the reactions were very unexpected and quite hurtful. I have had some negative reactions when we mentioned we are planning to sell our house and move very soon. People instantly try to throw us under the bus, assuming all the wrong things. In fact, if these same people knew the truth in the reality that we have lived, they would be less quick to judge and more apt to understanding our situation. As I said, we are very honored, blessed, and grateful for the opportunity we have been given. Unfortunately,  this area has not worked for us, nor will it ever work.

To know me, means that you know I have never been a racist person. In fact, I am a firm believer that all should be treated equally and that it takes hard work to move forward in life. Race should never play an issue in what is earned. People that base it on race are ignorant. With that being said, I have also never lived in a place such as East Macon. Racism plays a huge impact on day to day life here on my family. Right after we moved here, we had a neighbor tell us in the most straight forward way I have ever heard, that "white people do not belong here". Talk about a kick in the damn stomach. Really??? How was it even possible that we were "welcomed" in such a derogatory way? Following that comment, we began to notice little things about the area we live in. Here we are nineteen months later and I can say without any doubt, we have NEVER been welcomed where we live. The people around us could not be more clear on how disapproving they are about us living here. And while I cannot say every single person, I can say 99% of the people. They won't look in our direction and if they do, it is with nasty and angry looks. When we wave, the laugh and look the other direction. Needless to say, we have just quit making any attempts. I am not even sure I can find the words that would describe the discomfort we feel with where we live or the bitterness that has been built inside of us.

Two months after we moved in, a twenty year old kid (piece of crap) tried to befriend Kevin for all the wrong reasons. I was in the house cleaning one morning when Kevin and this guy walked inside. I watched as he scanned our house, which made me feel very uncomfortable. The guys had come into the kitchen for water, which at that time I had no idea that Kevin was allowing him inside on purpose. Kevin already had the uneasy feelings toward him. I followed them outside to see who this guy was and as he scanned our garage and the outside, he proceeded to inform us how some of the houses had cameras outside and inside. Let me just tell you, there was no feelings of comfort upon hearing him say this. Curiosity began to come into play, because how the hell would he know this?

A couple weeks later, Kevin was fishing and I was in the bathroom getting ready for a Thirty-One party I had that evening when it all made sense. Kevin has a terrible tendency leaving doors unlocked, which of course I have become very known in triple checking everything even more since moving here. On this particular Friday, Riley (my Pit Bull) was lounging on my bed and I was in the bathroom drying my hair. Out of nowhere, I heard the most fierce growl and bark I have ever heard from her and a loud thump as she jumped off our bed and took off down the stairs. Within a matter of seconds, I also heard our front door slam. Someone had been in my house and had Riley not become as protective as she had.... Oh I cringe at the thought of even finishing that sentence.

I grabbed my pistol and called Kev to check where he was. He told me that he was just packing things up to come home, which he was only a few minutes away at the Ocmulgee River. When he heard the slight panic in my voice and after I explained what had happened, he hauled ass to get home. Of course, telling me to get Riley and lock the bedroom door until he was there. You all know that in no way did I listen to that. Instead, I loaded my gun, grabbed Riley and with her head to tail Mohawk, we searched the house. She had ripped the curtains down by the front door when she took off after the guy that was in our house. We know who it was and after this, he never showed his face again around here. He saw Kev's truck was gone and took the opportunity to enter our house. Everyday I am more and more thankful for Riley. I cannot even begin to fathom how things could have turned out had she not been with me.

The following day, we had the alarm company here installing a house alarm.

Seeing the cops use to be intimidating to my children. To see someone arrested was only done on the show Cops. Now, unlike most little ones, when they see law enforcement it is no big deal, just as when they see someone being arrested - it is no big deal. Sadly, because it is so common to see around this area. Our house is so nice, just as the neighborhood is when looking at it. My, how looks can be deceiving. We have had to call the cops on gang members loitering. My children have seen arrests made on our street. Hell, we have all witnessed multiple drug deals next to us - yet, the cops do nothing. Kevin has had to break up fights, including numerous fights with weapons. Do you realize how that affects someone with PTSD? It's not a good thing at all.

Kevin has been at the gas station and been threatened to where he has had to show force. Neither of us can even leave our house now without carrying our pistols because of how dangerous it is in East Macon. Hell, we can't even sit outside safely. I have had to pull mine out a few times in order to get thugs away from my car... Even driving one night, I had a group step out in front of my car on a main  highway, trying to approach me until they saw me pull my gun out. Why in the hell does it have to come to that? And what made it worse, I had my daughter in the car with me!

When walking through Wal-Mart with my daughter, we had a group of black gangster looking guys follow us through the store, making derogatory comments, talking about how they would "F**K me like..." and worse. Then, when I grabbed my daughters hand and kept trying to walk away, comments about me being a "white bitch" and "too f**king good" and let them find me away from the store... You get the point. It was bad and I am not even touching on the it all. It left my daughter in tears and scared.

Speaking of my daughter, last school year was hell in many ways for my children. Caitlin was picked on for being white. When she spoke, a group of girls would make comments such as "You know how white people are". This gets said and I cringe. What in the world are the parents teaching these children? Children aren't born with that kind of hatred. It is taught in the home, in their surroundings. My children never knew about racism or how harsh it could be until we moved here. We lived in El Paso, TX - on the USA/Mexican boarder and were the one of very few whites that lived where we did. My children were the only white kids in their classes, yet we never had issues. The hardest part was the language barrier. Past that, there was never an issue, especially not a racist issue. Last school year, Breanna was threatened multiple times to get "beat up" to the point of this girl telling her she was going to "beat her ass in the bathroom". That is the point that I had to step in, making sure that Bre was never in the restroom at the same time as this kid. Comments were made last year, with a couple girls calling Bre a "honky bitch" or other racial slurs. Yet, Bre kept her head high and never retaliated even though she was dying inside to fight back. We explained to her and Caitlin that only ignorant people behave in such a trashy way.

Nic hopped in the truck after school one day last year and said, "What up my nigga?" to Kevin. I was in such shock that I could not even speak. I am talking mouth on the ground kind of shock! Kev turned bright red, full of anger. Not directed at Nic, but at the fact that our five year old son had just said those words! Once we gained our composure, we explained to Nic why he is NEVER to say that word and how bad it is, then we asked him where he heard that. To our absolute disbelief, he explained that a couple kids in his class say it all the time. At five he had no  idea that he said anything bad at all. His head dropped and he apologized, feeling so guilty. We let him know that we were not mad or upset with him, but how that word is wrong and how it will hurt other people by saying it.

So, here is the dilemma on that... How can we make our kids see how ugly the N word is, when around here it is used all the time? We hear it every time we go outside. The guys stand in groups talking loudly, calling each other this. We do  have one neighbor that flipped out on someone when they referred to him as their "nigga". For the record, I was very happy to see this happen! He made it clear that he is "no ones nigga" and how much he despises the word. He too cannot understand how people can walk around referring to each other in such a degrading manner. It's not okay, people! It is in no way acceptable to walk around, referring to ones self or to others as "niggas". It is so insulting. The only way to get away from this word is to 100% QUIT using it!!! Since we had this one instance with Nic, he has never said it again and is quick to call someone out when he hears it. Again, what are people teaching their kids out here???

This school year has been a bit different. Caitlin has a good teacher, but still struggles to make friends. Bre is in a decent middle school and has had no issue making friends there. We have to drive her across Macon to attend it because the school she is zoned for is in the middle of the ghetto, full of gangs and drugs. No exaggeration at all. Had some strings not been pulled by some amazing people to get Bre into this school, we would have home schooled her this year. Nic attended the elementary school here the first month and a half, but it seemed like every day we would receive a call that he was a "distraction in class" and to come pick him up or that he was violent. WHAT? That child has NEVER showed any violent tendencies in school or towards anyone other than his sisters. And we all know that is due to them being siblings. He ended up getting suspended due to all of this, so we made the decision to  home school him. Well, home school + a PTSD husband DO NOT mix! After three months of homeschooling, we decided to enroll him back at the elementary under the conditions that he had a particular teacher. Thankfully, the school agreed upon it and made it happen. Since he has returned to school we have had no issues at all and he is even reading and retaining things a lot better! He is also making friends, where as before, he could not find a place where he belonged and was actually isolated from the other kids. We are very happy with his teacher now and how well things are going for him! Thank you, Mrs. Palmer for making such a difference in our little mans life!!!

Since moving here, we have been a witness to child neglect and child abuse. We saw it for months right next to us, with the county doing absolutely nothing. We have had to call the cops and talk to the cops more times than what I can recall. A "mother" left her eight children  home alone for days with no food, yet this county never saw fit to step in. We would feed her kids. We have bought their school supplies, while she lied and played the system. It still breaks my heart. Kevin has had to go into the area run by gangs and drugs to pick up an infant and toddler that were left with a disabled grandmother because the babies had no food. They would return here wearing either nothing or stained clothing that was days old, reeking of filth. They had not had baths in there is no telling how long. So, I would run out to pick up a new outfit for each of them, baby wash, shampoo, and lotion. I would bathe them both, watching an unknown fear flash across their faces as they were unfamiliar with being clean. Once clean, the toddlers face would light up with excitement and he ran around the house playing with Nicholas. As the infant inhaled the formula I purchased, he would stop eating and look at me with a smile, as though he were saying "thank you". My heart melted as I held him, fed him, and as he smiled the cutest smile, then babbled in baby talk. How could a mother not care where her babies were? How could she not care for them? The back of the infants head was so flat from where he was just left laying on his back all the time. Now, I have no idea of the condition either of these babies are in, as I have not seen them since October. I just don't get it... Those babies and all the boys deserve so much more than they have ever been given. We see one of them often and know he is heading down the wrong path. But, there is nothing we can do. We have exhausted all of our resources and made ourselves literally sick trying and trying for this county to do something. We have talked to CPS countless times, for the case worker to turn his back on us and tell the "mother" everything that we told him. Which, we all know is illegal. Yet it happened and nothing was done to this man.  No one cared!

One day, while we were outside with the kids, Bre walked out wearing shorts that she wears around the house. She would typically never step outside in them, but did to ask us a question. Keep in mind, she was 11 when this occurred. A teenage boy could not keep his eyes off of my daughter, then had the nerve to tell me and Kevin that "white girls are a game and token to the black boys around here". Yes, you read that right. Since there are so few white girls, they make it a game to have sex with them with no care about respect or even the age of the girl. Without us knowing, attention had been focused on my eleven year old daughter. White girls are a novelty. If I shared what I said, I would probably be locked up so I will leave it alone. Anger took over and all I could think is where I would bury a body if someone touches my daughter. Shortly after we moved here, word got out about a group of black boys raping a white girl in the bathroom at a local middle school. No respectable man would ever consider this to be an okay thing. These actions are boys, playing an ignorant game that is going to get someone killed.

On this same day, we were informed that when the black men see white men in this area, they "size them up, looking for a fight because white mean aren't worth a damn". I can't make this crap up. I remember standing in my garage speechless over that comment, simply wondering what they hell we were thinking with moving here.

Not too long ago, while we were away for the day, some comments were made by our neighbors. These are people that Kev would BS with while smoking and even some that we have helped out in many ways - never asking anything in return, even loaning a small amount of money too. Yet, as soon as we were away, they felt the need to bash us. "The white people don't work, yet always have money..." and so on. I can't remember all that was said, but it was way more than that and pretty harsh. My thing though, why does our checkbook matter to anyone? It is no ones business how much money we have or don't have. Guess what? My bills are paid before extras are bought. So, if you want to judge, look in the mirror while you are drinking your alcohol, yet having utilities cut off every month. Priorities are so jacked up around here.

Some of the parents out here are so focused on wrong doings, such as drugs and gang activity, that they neglect their children. In return, the only real meal these kids receive is what is provided at the school. We all know that school lunches are really not that good. A few weeks ago Nic had Saturday school. This day was set up for kids that were struggling with a certain subject, not as a punishment. I walked Nic into the school and heard a kid ask about breakfast. The principal told him that they weren't serving breakfast that day, only Monday through Friday. I watched as this little boys whole demeanor was shattered. His parents had sent him to school without breakfast and he was so hungry. We see this all the damn time out here! These same kids that get nothing have the moms that show up with their hair done, clean clothes and nails done. How in the hell can a mother put her own needs before her children like that? I would wear rags if it meant my kids could eat. There is no way in hell I would take care of me before my children!

We have been called in the middle of the night to search for a girl, barely fourteen that was missing. After searching and searching, only for the cop to find her on her knees with a boy that was twenty years old. Then later for a twenty-one year old having sex with a thirteen year old. This is what surrounds us! My children are not allowed in the front yard unless we are with them, which means they can't even ride their bikes on our street without us! They can go in the backyard, which is fenced in with a six foot privacy fence as long as Riley is outside with them.

For nineteen months, my children and my family has had to endure what you have just read and much more. I just touched on some of the things we have witnessed. I would have to write for hours and hours to tell it all. My children have been subjected to a world that I never knew existed. I never imagined things would be this bad. When we first learned that we were moving here, we pulled up the stats of this area. We saw that it is predominately black, but weren't concerned with that. Why would we be? Being raised just outside of Atlanta my whole life and living the military life for almost ten years, we never faced true racial issues. When we hung out with friends, 9 times out of 10 in the army, we were the minority - but skin color didn't matter.  Living here has been an eye opener and while it has proven to be a very difficult time, I can only hope that my children leave here when we move stronger and with a different outlook on life.

While we have seen more bad than good, they know that you can't judge someone based on race. White, black, hispanic or any other race - there are good and bad people. You can't run from the bad, but you can embrace the good. I have friends of all races and to me, they are just people. I am so thankful we spent so long living the AD Army life and that the girls remember all the amazing people we met. I hate that living here has been Nic's first experience that he will remember being the minority. I don't want him to take the bitterness he has come to learn. As his mother, I know that it is my job to teach him otherwise. Not all that we have met here have been bad, which all the kids have seen. We have met some awesome black individuals that we will remain in contact with after we move. They have made a difference in each of our lives.

So many parents are not parents out here. They let their children run the houses. Hell, some allow their very young students to attend school with pot and knives in their back packs. This county cannot keep track of all the fights that break out or all the weapons that are discovered in bags or lockers at the schools. Parents, we are raising the future. Step up, be a parent. Be concerned with what your children are doing and where they are in life. Don't walk around making derogatory comments, degrading one another. Show some respect for yourself as well as those around you. Our actions as parents are molding our children into who they are and who they will be. Step up, because the little ones are watching every move we make. They are taking it all in with every word that escapes our lips. East Macon is headed in the wrong direction, just as other parts of Macon are. My heart breaks that some of these kids will grow up knowing only what they live in, the obstacles in life that will hold them back from doing well.

I know that as people go from a minor into adulthood, the choices they make are ultimately theirs, but when you see what I have seen and hear what I have heard, you gain a perspective you never knew existed. While there is hope for everyone, some times that hope is lost due to the surroundings that someone is brought up in. I have seen it. I have seen a kid go from good to dealing drugs and skipping school right where I live.

Living here has been hell on all of us and has been especially bad for Kevin and his injuries. We have taken 100 steps backwards with him. He has become more angry and bitter living here. Everything has become a trigger. Life has become more intense and it all crushes me. I can't make him better and I can't just fix things. All I can do is keep being the glue that holds us all together and pray we sell our house and move quickly. We have started looking at places to live and pray to be out of here very soon.

In the losses I mentioned earlier, there have also been gains. In all bad, good can be found. Such as the way my husband will forever be wounded from war. Without those wounds, who would we be now? Where would we be in life? In our lives, so much is focused on the negative, when in fact even in the darkest of moments, there is light. Right now, we may struggle to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but we know it is there. Knowing it is what gives us hope for what lies ahead. Once we are away from here, we can take this all as a learning experience. I pray that my children take it all and carry it with them. I hope they take away how to treat others and how NOT to base things on skin color. We all bleed the same and who someone is runs much deeper than the color of their skin. I for one have some of the most amazing friends that I have never based judgement on because of what is on the outside. I hope that if/when they are ever in a situation that involves racism that they stand up for what and who is right, that they defend someone despite how they look. I hope they are able to take this experience and make a difference in someones life, preferably someone that is "different" or doesn't quite fit in.

Soon, living here will be a distant memory. We will forever be grateful for the opportunity we were given, but cannot wait to put it behind us. I have kept quiet on all of this for so long now, out of fear. Fear of losing friends, fear of hurting someone, fear of rejection because of my words. However, I refuse to live in that fear. If I lose friends, then they weren't a friend to begin with. If someone takes my words and misconstrues them, then that is on them. In no way should any of this be taken as anything other than what it is. It hurts me to see how this community behaves. Just like it can take one white trash person to make all whites look bad, it can do the same with blacks, hispanics, or any culture. I am smart enough to know that what we have seen around us it not something to base my thoughts on any race. There is bad in every race and sadly, we have had to endure over a year of the bad here. I am looking forward to moving into an area where my children can see true diversity and appreciate what others have to offer. We can all learn from each other.

Friday, December 20, 2013

Christmas is Upon Us...

The holidays are no upon us, which means that plans are being made and soon will be executed, my house will be turned upside down in complete chaos because the kids are out of school, and tension will probably run high. Christmas time brings a love/hate relationship in this house. I find myself frantically trying to make everyone happy, all the while consumed with worry on how Kevin is going to handle this years adventures that are tied into who we will see and on what date.

When I speak to someone and they invite us to family gatherings, I can hear the disappointment that echoes through their voice when I tell then that we are going to stay home. At times, it becomes difficult to explain to family and friends that we cannot attend the gathers for holidays or birthday parties anymore because it is too much on Kevin. The noises, crowded areas, excitement, random popping of balloons, people we have never met, stepping out of the safe zone of our house... it can be too much. The looks, questions, desire that others have to bring up combat in conversations... it can be unbearable. So, instead of getting involved in it all, we lay low. We stay home and enjoy things with the five of us. We invite our parents over, one set at a time, or we make our way to North Georgia and visit with them...one set at a time. We keep it as a small gathering, ones that will not overwhelm anyone, especially not Kevin. We do what no works for our family, what we have all grown accustomed too and have fully accepted. We know this isn't ideal for everyone and that some will take it to heart, but it is not about them and us not wanting to be around them. It is the simple fact, we can no longer do as we once did. The aftermath of combat changes the veteran, and in return the family that is standing beside them. And you know, I am okay with it all. We may not be able to attend large functions, but we still get to see our families, just in a more intimate environment.

If you are reading this and you are family or friends with someone that was wounded in combat, remember that when they can't attend large events or they become easily overwhelmed, it's not you... They just can't do as they could before war. Take opportunities like this and talk to the spouse of the veteran, let them educate you on how things have changed. Listen when they speak, because if you don't, there is so much you will miss out on. As a wife that is so madly in love with her husband, who was wounded in war, the worst thing people on the outside can do is start assuming things when they honestly have no idea.

Holidays have proven to be some of the most difficult days for our men and women that have returned from war. Whether it's been a few months, a few years, or decades, what you may find excitement it, may be a trigger for them. Be patient and give them space. One of the worst things you can do is throw questions or stay on top of them, leaving them to feel very overwhelmed. It is not uncommon in our worlds for us to cancel plans at the last minute or to make it somewhere,  only to turn around and leave.

A smell, a sight, or a sound in the smallest sense can be that one thing that triggers them and sends them into a flashback. It can lead to a shutdowns that last minutes, hours, days or even weeks.

Christmastime in the years before deployments brought so many smiles and so much laughter, as we were surrounded by everyone. My how times have changed. I can honestly say, that for the most part, Kevin and I have truly been blessed with parents on both sides that have been understanding of circumstances changing. They don't pressure us or try to make us feel guilty because of how things have changed. They have seen little things here and there when it comes to breakdowns/episodes, but they have yet to see a full one or a true flashback. Thankfully, I am normally able to navigate him away from those when we are around family. If it becomes too much, then we explain that we have to leave.

So, as we embark on this Christmas and the festivities it brings, I am looking forward to seeing my kids eyes light up when they see what Santa left and as they open their gifts. I am excited to gather around the television and watch a few Christmas movies. We cannot wait to see family in small gatherings and celebrate Christmas with them. Let's remember the reason for the season. It's not about the gifts that are under the tree or the ones that Santa will leave...it's about the birth of Jesus, it's about those around us that we are so blessed to have in life. Spend time with those you love, let them know you love them. Share smiles and laughter as you build memories that will last you a lifetime.

Sunday, November 10, 2013

Two Years Ago

I have sat and stared at the computer screen for awhile now, contemplating what to write...hell, how to even start. Veterans Day is upon us now and to us it's more than just another day. It holds so much more. It's a day that my husband and so many other deserve to be honored, though they deserve this everyday, Veterans Day is their day. Please remember this and show appreciation when you see a veteran and their family out.

11/11/11 was the last time he dressed in his ACU's and it was the last time we were apart of the AD life... There is so much we both miss about those times. After almost ten years of living a life full of changes, moves, time apart, it is still hard to become accustomed to this life we live now. Adapting to everyday "civilian" life has been such a challenge for each of us in ways we never expected and I cannot imagine how Kev feels everyday when he misses the army so much. What was found in that life, cannot be found in what we now live. To those that have lived it and do live it, you get it.

Veterans Day will always hold many meanings to our family... the day that all Veterans should be honored (as well as every day in my opinion), but also a day that our lives changed drastically. I am so blessed to have the husband I have. With all that we have been through, it is amazing to be where we are now...together. I am so proud of the man he is and despite his injuries, he amazes me every single day.

On this Veterans Day and everyday, I stand with pride when I see my husband, pride for a man that knows the true meaning of war and the aftermath. He is a man that has fought, bled, and lost for those around him - whether he knew them or not. He has served months and months away from his family, keeping us safe while protecting those around him. He is a man that has changed in so many ways, physically and mentally from combat, but he is a man that from time to time, I still catch that glimpse of the "old Kevin" and that alone makes every other moment okay. When I listen to his stories and the experiences he had overseas, I find myself loving him even more because of who he is. My husband has endured what the majority of our population cannot even begin to imagine and everyday we are blessed to have him here. So many close calls and so many things could have turned out differently, yet here we are... I'll take the bad just for the good.

Thank you babe for all you have sacrificed for us and so many others. There will never be enough words to show you just how much we appreciate those sacrifices that have been made and those that will continue to be made. I know this post-combat life is so far from easy, but it's so worth it. I know some days it doesn't feel that way, but I promise it is. We are so blessed to have you home and to be able to celebrate Veterans Day with you. Though there will not be a true celebration, it brings a smile to all of our hearts that you are here with us. I am so lucky to call you my husband and to have you beside me through this crazy life we share. I love you more than words...always!


2009 before 2nd deployment


deployment time

Getting ready to deploy

Getting ready to deploy



2007...love this one! Kev in Iraq

End of 1st deployment!!! Welcoming my man home

End of 1st deployment!!! Welcoming my man home

Welcome Home!!! Nic really looking at his daddy for the first time

End of 1st deployment

The best Christmas gift ever!!!

Iraq, 2007 - so hot!!!

Many tend to find slight confusion between Memorial Day and Veterans Day, so I looked it up to better clarify it for any questions. Veterans Day is not about honoring the dead, but honoring those that we are still so blessed to have with us that have been in the military.  Please make sure you know the difference and make sure you show your appreciation to those that have so bravely defended our freedoms. The sacrifices these men and women have made often go unnoticed because they are physically still here... for many of us, we see the scars that are carried among our veterans.

The difference between Veterans Day and Memorial Day before all the confusion begins:
Many people confuse Memorial Day and Veterans Day. Memorial Day is a day for remembering and honoring military personnel who died in the service of their country, particularly those who died in battle or as a result of wounds sustained in battle. While those who died are also remembered, Veterans Day is the day set aside to thank and honor ALLthose who served honorably in the military - in wartime or peacetime. In fact, Veterans Day is largely intended to thank LIVING veterans for their service, to acknowledge that their contributions to our national security are appreciated, and to underscore the fact that all those who served - not only those who died - have sacrificed and done their duty.
Source: http://www.va.gov/opa/vetsday/vetday_faq.asp

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Dear "Old Army" Life

I received an email today from someone asking me to post the whole article that I wrote, "Dear 'Old Army' Life" because they were having issues viewing it from the link I provided.

Return from 1st Deployment
 Dear "Old Army" Life,

It has been seventeen months since we drove away from Fort Bliss, bidding our lives there a farewell as an active duty family. It has been fifteen months since my husband, Kevin's medical retirement date passed, and four years since the last time we said our "see you later's" and I kissed Kevin that one last time before he yet again, deployed to Iraq. My how the times have changed for us.

While I so desperately have wanted to hate you, I simply cannot. Had it not been for you and all of your experiences, Kevin and I would not be anything close to what we are today, nor would our marriage hold the love and strength it does. Sure, I despise the stress that came with you, the numerous times Kevin spent away from us, the many super close calls, multiple changes you brought into our lives, injuries Kevin now faces, and so much more. Yet, without you, this strength that now lives within me would be nonexistent and my heart would never swell with pride every time our National Anthem plays loudly through the speakers and brings me to tears. I wouldn't know what my heart is capable of handling and loving, just as I wouldn't know what it is like to miss someone so much every ounce of my being hurts or what it's like to fall in love with the same person over and over again upon every return home. I wouldn't know what it's like to fill with pride and love as my husband dressed in his BDU's and later in ACU's, stood in formation, or led his soldiers. I wouldn't know what it's like to wait for that one phone call to come in in over two months and that one call get me through two more months of limited communication while he was in a war zone. I wouldn't know the feeling of rockets hitting his FOB while we are talking on the phone and listen to him as he drops the phone after telling me he loves me; only to breakdown hours later as his voice came through the speaker of that same phone telling me he was okay, they had just lived through another attack.

It has taken me many hardships, time, struggles, doubts, and you finally bringing my husband home to me "bent, but not totally broken" for me to accept the permanent changes you brought into our lives without being so full of anger and hatred towards you.

You took the man I married before you came into our lives away so many times, the last couple of times, always returning him a stranger to me and our kids. Yet, we never allowed you to beat us with these changes. Instead, we learned to fight for our family and fall in love all over again, despite your crazy obstacles that should have left us walking away from everything that was hanging by a thread.

You had him by your side for many holidays and every single one of my birthdays. You took Kevin away from being with our children as they grew and changed for months on end, just as you took time and days away from our children not having their dad by their sides. Through the tears and frustrations, you left us with an unexplainable appreciation for our lives and an unconditional love we all now share. You tested our strength, love, and courage on many occasions. Hell, you even attempted to tear our family apart with the many unexpected changes you threw our way, yet at the same time, you also taught us how to fight and survive.

Before we began the journey in the army life, I never imagined or thought of what you would leave us with after you made your entrance into our lives, then so quickly faded after years, field probs, deployments, injuries, years, and Kevin's return home. I never once thought that today the emotional, mental, and physical tolls would play such a significant part of our everyday life as it does. Nor, did I think that my career-minded husband would be medically retired due to injuries sustained during his deployments, leaving me as his everyday caregiver. You never told us he could be injured, whether it be visible or invisible wounds, you just warned us he could come home either with no permanent issues, missing limbs, or fearfully not at all. Yet, through all of this, I am learning acceptance in our "new" lives. I have found strength in unimaginable ways and learned to smile at the simple fact Kevin is home and safe with me - even if the severe injuries he has changed our entire lives around. They will always dictate most of what we do, and now, I am okay with that. We are blessed to have him home.

"Sweet" Army Life, you taught me how to grow and change, while letting me know it is in fact okay to do these things without having to explain my growths to those on the outside. In no way do I or will I ever miss the times that you took my husband away or long for those to return, but I do miss the comradery of those in the active duty life. I miss the structure you so brutally taught us and have instilled in our everyday lives. I do appreciate the lessons we have learned, whether it be in easy or hard ways. I am thankful for you allowing us to take these next steps in our lives with you being a part of who we are and will always be.

You taught me about raising kids independently while you took my husband to the field and to war. You taught me how to live through fear and worry of the unknown, while always reminding myself that "No news is good news". You left me stepping away from all that I knew, my family, friends, and comfort zones, but you led me to a place I will always cherish with friendships that will always hold a special place in my heart. You showed me that being strong-minded isn't such a terrible thing and that being independent is an amazing quality to hold in this life.

You've taught me patience in every step, just as how you have taught me "Hurry up and Wait" in everyday life. Everyone knows we all became professionals in this sense. During his first deployment, you taught us to never take a single moment for granted and to cherish every day that we live, good or bad. You've given me strength and confidence to stand up for what I believe in, to never give up, and to fight for Kevin with his injuries, after all no one else can advocate for him as I can. You left us with the cold reality of tomorrow not being promised so to enjoy each breath we take and to always smile.

I am stronger today because of you, just as my marriage and family are and will always be. You still bring me to tears and breakdowns, but that will always be alright because tomorrow is a new day, full of sunshine. Cloudy days will always come and go in life, especially when living through what we have.

"Old Army" life, you will always win a battle from time to time, but as you can see my old friend, we will always win this war. Thank you for the many lessons and continuing growth. We are living proof of survivors in this life.

Sincerely "A Bent but Never Broken" Veteran's Wife,
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